THERAPY IS THE PROCESS: BECOMING A BETTER PARENT BLOG
IF I DON'T WRITE THIS NOW
I FEEL LIKE I NEVER WILL...
...thankfully that is not true. Now whilst this might not come out the right way, I think that is possibly a good thing because then the truth of it, about it, and within it will not be hidden.
It is now the 02/01/2023/02:07am
I have been just drawn to documentaries about...I feel to say human treatment. 1st Nation Abuses from around the Globe. In search of the compatibility and comparability of how the almost or exact behaviours have been played out when dealing with similar or the exact same behaviours single down into individuality!
But, as I did that a mildish form of personal guilt hit. Here, I was just the other day waxing lyrical about how the most beautiful thing I ever heard was hearing that my brain is what creates my mind. Only meant in the context of my self-healing from abuse not per se because I am a Mother...and nothing is more beautiful than hearing your own child say I love you which is such an intrinsic part of who I am. I never feel or see the need to explain it just is regardless.
Sometime ago, I asked my daughter specifically if I could mention her, and tell her story with me as her Mother, and she agreed.
I wanted to become a better Mother, a better Parent empty nesting hit me hard. Therefore, I thought it would be a really good idea for me to interact with a book, that really help raise me. But, since I thought it was a good idea...I have also struggled to make the type of films or video shorts I would like too.
For some reason, just now before I felt like a pang yet an urge, awakening, something moved me, inspiration to at least mention or say something else...something hit me as I am search around the globe out side of myself for comparison what about the journey of brain health but first brain injury I went through with my daughter...and what that has really done been like and done for us, and too us as we are forced to live with the experience of being stalked.
I had not yet lost my full baby weight in the late summer autumn of 1985. Wearing a tight polyester mix shiny type fabric black skirt which had low pleats which fluted just above my knee with a white and grey crew neck jumper, I was living in Notting Hill Gate in my very first one bedroom flat rehoused as a single person in may of the same year my daughter was born. The floor was concrete with Lino covering. All I could afford I would say because it was not to my interior home making liking was a small basket matt flooring just in front the sofa. I was a lone parent other single mothers...yes there appeared to be some distinction, had wall to wall carpet etc. Nevertheless, never to be ungrateful I sat I think it was on a Sunday in the living room basking...actually no...I pretty sure now...I might have been recovering from a visit from male relatives. I mean I could have worn the same outfit twice...hmm...but...
Sitting hear as I write this I can almost feel it all over again...I went to stand up but in two parts, so I never stood straight up...I stood up bent over with my daughter before straightening up already moving away from where I was would have been seated holding my daughter almost at my tummy level then I would pull her up to my chest...well, on this occasion I thought, and felt like I had my daughter in my grip as I went to pull...my daughter up who was dressed in a tight knitted dungaree suit all puffy and clean slipped she slipped from my grip impacting the matt with the back of her head.
I went into shock. I thought I had killed her for a split second...all I remember is grabbing a cushion and placing it at the back of her head, she appeared fine knowing already how important brain damage can be lucky I still have film in my disk camera I grab it and take a picture, because I knew that will help as evidence to where she was injured. I think I must have called my health visitor the next day mortified and convinced I had absolutely ruined my Childs life. It wasn't just an accident to me it was history repeating itself again!
In a family which was made up of abused people having children they also abused without recognition. Family banter, humour & rumour which went along with accounts of incidents was no laughing matter. I thought I should never have a child because of the rape I grew up experiencing. When I decided to have my daughter I decided to raise her with everything opposite to what I had know despite my own incapacity. I didn't have much else but to teach her the truth as far as I can understand, and speak it.
Though, I knew brain health and any accident your child could have which could damage their brain was of paramount importance. As a young Mother I did not recognise any of other warning signs fully.
The first was speech.
Not being able to fully percieve words my daughter had to have therapy, and believe it or not I allowed her decided whether she wanted to continue with extended therapy, or not. I still did not understand the long term consequences or connection of the accident I had with her. Their was the governor at 2 otherwise known as the terrible two's. I thought, as expected. There was obstinance in that my daughter barely drank milk from a bottle teet, it was either me, and from their she figured out how to drink from her own sippy cup. She had the discernment down.
Growing up as my child she was up against it in ways I wish she wasn't. Thankfully, a lot worked out fine. Despite all the negativity I believed, that I was told about how much of a failure I would be in life, we figured it out...as we both grew up together!
If I am honest we grew up close is there a degree of trauma bonding between us? Yes.
The Governor at two, and communication continued to be unrecognised issues for me to negotiate as a parent with little and no experience because I was growing out of those things too!
I left confusion all of the place in my communication and action without meaning too. I had the worst relationships.
Self-Defence and Defiance went hand it hand, and trying to be Clearly understood was forever a challenge. I had so many personal problems they overloaded unto my daughter, I could see it happening, I wanted to stop it, had no idea what to do about it, and underlying all of this we are stalked.
The anonymous telephone stalker that came along with my daughter first mobile phone admittedly initially was funny. Again, I did not realise what it all fully meant.
We had got away, I was not concerned as I was in Notting Hill Gate where my daughter grew from a toddler onwards where we could almost be seen frequently always enjoying walks to together going to the park frequently, hugging, laughing, my daughter played out almost freely. In South London there was almost relief from the stalker experience my daughter had experience as an innocent witness from a toddler in a pram, as a girl shaken as I fought off being lunged at, and as she witnessed a fight back at the front door.
It is unthinkable when you hear a lot of men speak about how they revel in treating women well. To be stalked by a man years your senior who had his own responsibility which he lied about, who was let go of as a result then went on to stalk still showing up even by representation some 20+ Years later.
What I speak Stalking or being stalked it is nothing compared to the worse case scenario, and it is still bad enough as it is, but why let it get to the stage when it gets worse?
Our reaction to stalking has the appearance of diversity. Children who grow up with ongoing incidents of domestic abuse often cannot makes choices which allow them to escape the connection to abusers and that is the same for children who grow up with parents who have stalkers. Or for children who grow up with parents who may have very high profile or important jobs which put them into touch with possible very dangerous situation or people where they are more visible to what to them is invisible.
I was worried sick about our safety, and how I had and had not known how to parent.
I too did not want to let my daughter go, despite all the challenges I put her through: being spoken to as an adult, not being able to be protected from responsibility, my addiction - I had become a very heavy cigarette smoker.
I was relieved when I was able to afford simple stuff because money was a struggle, but for your children who mind money because they grow up with it is as lack so therefore it becomes your Childs biggest notice it truly does become their soft and tender sensitive spot and therefore their depth of trauma, which throws them into rebellion and speaks in defiance toward you, because it looks as though you are intentionally not managing, and that translates as hurting them. You can only imagine how it felt to my daughters mind after she slipped from my lap, after that damaged her brain with that creating her mind, so after I hurt her now there is a struggle for money.
Finally, grown and free we did move on with our lives thankfully, significantly and freely, and still do.
It was happening all over again, but this time mum was not as spritely, and was become changed by menopause, and this external thing called stalking again but this time it was not one old man in the street, this was helicopters, and it was very physically debilitating. I could barely speak the effect was so bad which my daughter to be honest just did not understand. It was difficult to see why.
As, I was happily growing into my old age. Revenge was ready to set the stage. Vin, is not so hard as before as though standing up for myself as a child sexually attacked was a competition to hacked!
There were timely rows between, there were patterns of course every child has right to live in this world as their happy free place not having to looking over their shoulder about who stalked their parent or who maybe scheming their way back into your life through your children after being outed as an enemy, but from about 2003 there was that overlap of that happening feeling!
Scary, I was asked as though it was needed to be.
Why wouldn't any of us have the right to retire and live out our lives in a really good and positive way.
Noring, away at us began, and sadly still continues. Working in transport for years where there are supposed laws to protect people from a bad overlap happening.
Though, you could explain it depending out what type of injuries your children, or anyone else for that matter has endured will determine as to whether they understand the full reason of you not having enough money. The years of pay disputes. Be they only mild, but again why wait til it because a major concern. The old trick of working for someone who has just as many things to sell you as they have paid you. That is another thing that can lesson the purse.
Nobody else knows what you have to do as a family unit to survive whether as full in house family or as empty nesters. Nothing is as straight forward as it may look.
Children who keep their head down and on their own grind for the good of their family in the long or short run. May look like all kinds of things especially to those who ought not to be stalking other peoples children, and in the fullness of everything need to be minding their own business. Especially, when they already know they had always been deluded, and always had delusions about us when we had to break free of them so we could meet our own needs, in our own life.
Children of lone parent families where there has been no financial assistance learn a level of financing which means they go out, and get careers or suffer from or experience being moved even away from education to get on the career ladder to relieve the bills their father where responsible for paying. Seeing that journey, and being apart of who that person becomes is a rewarding, and at the same time challenging thing.
A defiant child is not always said to be a good child, and it is hard to come up against at times especially if one of you appears to affected and fighting the affects of the stalker, and one appears to be oblivious to all the scheming of others, plus all the stalker does to you both, but that is also an affect and sometime the most challenging, defiance or inconvenient defiance can cause and add a lot of difficulties within relationship especially parent and child it is also really difficult when you have that problem yourself and you are the parent trying to be the adult, and seemingly your own child beats you to it, but yet it can be dangerous to remove the defiance because of the dual purposes it appears to have.
In brain health, I cannot fully explain it as anything else. All I know right now is I still want to be a better parent to my child...and stop nagging her about where I feel I can see how what I made her go through, is affecting the way she speaks to me, or perceives what I mean, or am saying. We are almost complete opposites of each, and I loved it, even though I may struggle with that at times.
I hoping now to be able to continue my studies with less audio's!
I am so Thankfully, Gratefully, Blessed, to Repent, and Surrender for the Forgiveness Power and Purpose Life is!
So, Dear God
Was this worth staying up to write?
Yes, I can feel sensations going back on forth on the top of my head like etherial or ethereal head band!
Praise be to God from whom all Blessings flow
I am sorry I do not know where that quote came from
I am just so grateful for protection in spirit of me, and my family and the rest of the world, Amen!
A FREEDOM OF BEING!
I WANT TO BECOME A BETTER MOTHER!
THERAPY IS THE PROCESS: I WANT TO BECOME A BETTER MOTHER BLOG
Ok, so I am ready to go visual and do less audio? No!
I think I need to keep doing even more audio, and also do about the same amount and probably more visuals film, and video type stuff. But, before I get into that…because I am still not quite ready, I thought let me lay down more back ground it may make easier for me to understand where I need to go as I heal if I can just come clean about my darkest parental demons, as it were!
With all due respect I acknowledge I am by no means talking about worse case scenario at all, we are very blessed. Question, why does anyone ever get to that stage at all?
Where do I start I have so many?
Having damaged my babies brain during an accident where I did not realise I had not had a good grip of her, she slips through my hands and on to the floor. To say I was and have been terrified ever since is an understatement. Those fairground rides that have you gripping on to anything is still not close to what I felt. But, admittedly as time went on I calmed down without forgetting the damaged which occurred.
It was a case of knowing something was going to be a bit wrong, but thankfully more went better than it went worse. The challenges, I realised but did not know how to cope with was communication. All communication as my daughter grew seemed to be too much or completely overwhelming.
This sadden me deeply. I am not going to lie it was really hard and difficult to know if I had guided her well enough? Did she have enough boundaries? Because of course I am also damaged in a same and similar way because almost the same and similar thing happened to me, and anyway in the rough and tumble of any Childs daily life accidents happen, and a similar type of reaction occurs, and all to often goes unnoticed, and recognised as having the power to change our children ability to respond to us as parents, and possibly in life. Though in a lot of cases our children have seen through our worries, and cannot wait to get on and away from us just to have a breather. If you are luckier enough and have done the job being told you have given me enough.
Everybody who learns
First by the way they are taught which is often fact fused with understanding
Then, by how they adapt what they are taught through their own capacity, and understanding
My worry was too full on
After reaching in the stage of Motherhood where I no longer had an dependant child my worry was dating
Whilst I had no set ideas about who
I was quite liberal I felt in my understanding
After being stalked again which left my own ability to communicate changed
My anxiety went into white knuckle ride mode over who my daughter might meet, and did meet
I never wanted to be up in her business I was still with enough to understand the space I needed always
But what do you do when something is haunting and eating away at you that something is not right
A triangulation of sorts
I felt like had I never become a lorry driver my daughter may have met who she had met
Trying to let go and letting her find her own way which I eventually had to do is a difficulty I cannot fully explain
When studying Brain Health Courtesy of www.amenclinics.com I learnt about the area of the Brain known as the Prefrontal Cortex area of the brain where decisions are made. Within that study I learnt about how in early child development what parents actually do is act as decision makers for our children, so we act as the prefrontal cortex area of the brain.
Suspicion and Paranoia seemed to take over my nervous system, my aura, my atmosphere. I was absolutely worn about with this something is not ok whilst negotiating you do not know why.
What I did not understand was how to identify what that off feeling meant within in my own body that miraculously was a connection to my daughter just going through life as naturally, and normally as can be gratefully and thankfully expected going through what she had to just to learn, her own life love lessons.
But, boy was that painful. I felt like I was continually living in a continual cold shower for years worn out by every pang of fear, and of course like a typical bad mama jammer. I ram that girls ears with so much fussing and cussing. Then, with as many apologies, because I knew I was wearing her out. Because I had to learn, and my cut off from my Mother was completely brutal, and I never actually let her in, and we eventually never made peace, understandably she had hurt me, and I in turn hurt her unintentionally as I needed to overcome all of that.
Is my fear over?
No, absolutely not
As a Mother going through everything for the first time first impacts are so hard, and took for me to be healing through this writing to really learn even years after cutting the umbilical chord, that whether you believe in God, Love, Freedom or Science there is thankfully a connection that remains, which needs to be constantly very well maintained.
The connection goes both ways. The affect being attacked just for working has had on me is something which can equally oppress your loved ones whether they are experiencing the same experience the way you are or not.
From 2003 - 2007, everything about career etc just began to become sick. But, all I was grateful for was I was making money. There was a horribly moment that I could not understand why just a simple conversation with someone at work of all places would be making me feel forced to cry? Unbeknownst to me why, I can only describe as a way that literally felt like physically being broken down, and weakened to longer be able to respond the way you naturally would, why would anyone need anyone to be that way? Something was being practiced.
A nagging feeling evolved from that time on of a feeling of someone who looked and decided at a person who they were going to definitely target, and I will admit that felt like us.
It is a feeling of harassment that has not quite left. That feeling of someone or a group or institution of people being led to target or use you for whatever is something beyond intimidating even if view supposedly positive by those doing it.
Getting up, and having to start again in such circumstance over and over again takes it toll, and cost a lot and quite frankly very unfair, if true.
However, I remain grateful for the strength to shed. I just want to get much better at my life, not transferring burdens to my daughters life.
And, I do not believe I am alone in that at all. All too often parents can see around the corner due to having done it before, or made the same mistakes before. It is an excruciating wait at times for your child to learn a lesson but by hell or God there are just somethings in life regardless who you are you cannot teach anyone!
Do you still want to do it?
It is the most beautiful and rewarding journey you could ever have as far as I am concerned. Filled with the most amazing surprises, and delights not to mention the many jokes and heartfelt lessons which emerge day from moment to moment.
In love, and completely blessed as we all are
Thank You for Visiting Natural Flowism Studios
Where Therapy is the Process!
A Freedom of Being!