The Strength to Move on, and be re-inspired like never before...
...and so it is, as written did not realise it has been 2 years since I blogged directly on my own website. Last night...well early this morning I dreamt of pastel coloured house set back from the pavement and the road, which had long front gardens but where more like terrace one floor up houses, something about darkish wooden furniture and ticking. Probably dreamt that because I have a pile of stuff to sew up, and with that I am wondering if my business idea is correct to build my stores behind the studios first.
I do not know how I got past the level of internal criticism I have been constantly confronted with for years. Thank God for low sodium water which I had seen in my fridge whilst still saying I had no water. As I slurp up the water sharing it with my chin and my top.
There is no point I have regressed and surrender to never being or sounding corporate. What's the point aren't I a fully fledge artist.
It is so odd to me not to travel and being seeing either the same familiar scenery and landmarks or finding new ones. For the past 6 months literally at home. For years, I haven't done much else but work and home but at least I was getting out and about with work, is what it feels like and that is nothing bad except for better help breaking up the day and having a brisk healthy walk works wonder for your brain, and that is not what I have been doing.
I will say it again no matter how many times I write an "I"
I still do not know fully what happened mid year in the controversy that developed around the time of my injury and ill health. Though forever ands always grateful for work because there has always been some crap going on in regards to my work, it is just bloody typical that as if a life where you were abused from the out set was not enough you then get landed with some drama or abuse or other whilst just trying to earn yah money, get the job done, and get on.
It was my last shift and I was making my way in. By this time I am in so much pain, admittedly I am irritated and feeling like led weight but I am trying to keep the money coming in, the last thing I reckon anyone ever wants on a job is pure trouble. I can see a plot forming. By the time I get on site my eyes are in the air because to this is Cleary childish. There is employment law and guidelines for targeting not to happen. But for years, it is has been there in my life. A continual lack of respect it feels like in some regard.
When it comes to racism I do not consider myself the most switched on person and by that I mean I learnt to not judge everything or everyone as black and white considering you can be working with or for someone and never know their true nationality, or the colour of their family. But even I know when there is a possibility of someone trying to belittle you because of the work you do, as you mind your own business, which may translate as you ignoring that person which makes them want to attack you more, or do anything to feel more powerful than you, and you are not even trying to over power anyone. In fact you are struggling with your own insecurities, job insecurity, financial insecurity, plus you health all of which is enough to keep you occupied.
As I was saying, I could see the plot developing on the way to work. So, I actually not only I there was a mobbing type experience which did not only target or affect me. It has been rough!
Though, I remain grateful work. Despite antics, work finally became professional for me. I say that because in my early days work and pleasure did become intertwined by I feel like I managed to pull back and change that and I am much happier too.
Tacking stock of this year and of the past years of tensions and ups and downs. I finally reckoned with what my mistakes were. I remember times of ridicule because I said, oh..I will never go back there again...and why..because I went back to twice, and things did not turn out nice. Now vowing never to return too somewhere might not always be practical or possible. But in deep reflection when I was very decisive the problems I encountered recently did not happen.
Should I talk about pay disputes, and that awful moment you hear "they don't want to pay you," and you have done job. Or if they do pay you it is far too low than the hours you have worked. I couldn't not understand what had happened. It is beyond challenging to be working for what seems like a dynamic upbeat team. But within that there is still this familiar incessant behaviours which feel unfortunately old school.
I could not believe what was happening. It set my mind on a train as I looked back over a pattern of employment and money troubles. I felt like I had not seen it so Cleary before. I was too busy working thank God to be able to think about how someone could have approached people for year to stir up trouble for me and around me, and who admit it if it were true? No one. Just you can be left looking like a lazy culprit who never has anything together. Who cannot do anything for you and yours. As though you are completely irresponsible. Which can leave families fighting in trauma when there is only so much every bread winner can take.
It hurt so bad. I do not mind saying it. It hurt me so bad. Things creeped me out, and I say that in the understanding that so many people, in fact too many people are left without the support they need to lead fully independent lives without realising that is what is happening to them. Too many people do not realise that support they need which will give them the necessary resources and treatment not to attack others, and help them fully understand what the workplace is for, and what should never be done to fellow co-workers, or their neighbours. This is partly how stalking is about to grow flourish, and become embedded and entrenched in society until an excess of resources is needed to begin to stem the behaviours, thoughts, and patterns!
I began to realise it was not impossible that I did not fully realise something very systematic was happening, and it was possible that it could happen because it was entertaining in someway, or profitable in some way. I found it strange that there began to seem like there was a growing correlation between my online, and social media activity and the volume, or time I would get work.
In fact, it freaked me out. But there again I was making money, and not foreseeing possible injury. I was getting near to being about to pay off my debts. But, things changed.
There had been a pattern of complaints which had led to pay disputes. I left up out of it not willing to return until covid happened then I did and to me it seemed like things had improved. I was so glad, and really grateful. It was good. But within and underneath that grind was something incessant. I could not believe it when I got another call telling me "they don't want to pay you" then ended being paid under the amount owed which did not cover the amount of hours worked.
Something, or somebody had got in on what had become so professional and generally ran really nicely, and trouble free. A certain part of the industry just seemed to turn nasty. Like for just normal trunking up the road was filled with onset of light bashers. People intent on doing all kinds to distract you or let you know this was only being done to you. Even though that was not true.
This all had a physical impact. I will say it again something deliberate was being done. Someone had reached a stage of sick, and must have become so out of control themselves, and their own mind. The reason I am confident to say that is despite my advancing years, and my ill health. I could still still tell the difference of what was before, and what is now. Not only that I had also experienced them trying their antic where by they could not get the better of me at the time.
If there is no truth in something I will call it as it is fiction.
But when I know in my heart mind soul brain and spirit something is being done to deliberately harm and undermine others. I am going to keep on saying.
Sorry, but this has to come up and out. I could barely face it they idea of how long this form of systematic targeting could have been going on. It was over with me and the agency. I wish them the very best. I got so concerned at one point when they would call me like there just seemed to be a pattern of me being called anytime I spoke to loved ones. There came to be such a tense sense of urgency, and need, with a feeling of a crippling fear attached. Nothing was said but the atmosphere had gone off somewhere else. It was always a place when things were going right which was always about straightforward business. Thankfully the place was so successful that once you could trust you would be paid what was agreed it was a place to always tap for work. Especially, as the ongoing blocking stints where really good.
All summer almost under all the pain and injury I dealt with the overwhelming and all consuming feeling of someone with encroaching need to control. The impossibility they may feel or continually experience of you being free.The clearest and sharpest level of a right of entitlement, disregard, and disrespect which in normal circumstance if any felt so badly toward someone they will never want to be around them. But in this case what would be considered as bad vibes in other circumstances was the juice, and need to be there to make you feel works, enclosed, and completely controlled and captivated is the best way I can describe.
So, here I am still as Grateful, and Thankful as ever with the pouring out of my truth, my experiences, as what I have to offer in business which if I am honest. I do not not know how to make a success. But I felt the same way about getting my Class One Lorry Driving license, which seemed like a complete impossibility to me whilst washing dishes for a living, then making sandwiches, and serving up pints at nights once I started doing double bookings to make ends meet back in the day.
It is the journey they don't like, and possibly what they try to hide. Life is tough enough without someone suffering from stalking behaviours coming after you because they never expected you to so well especially after all they had done to fuck up your money and your journey. But eventually how do you really hide when you keep making the similar or same thing happen to someone over, and over again. This is not a pity story. This me giving blunt because of how many people are, or maybe affected because of me. By my reckoning that leaves me with a duty not to be quiet about anybody.
I thought I would have made out to work a lot sooner, But things got so bad I had to go for Universal Credit. I did not feel humiliated because I know I can work once sorted. But my mind had been broken about what had gone on against me out on the road, and at the agency. To have to stop and think for one minute that this could be someone I had gone to school with was just beyond belief. Yet, sadly enough I saw how that could be true. Because I had experience such levels of possessiveness whilst young. But thought well we are all young. We all have to move on. However, the interruption in all of this is someone else attacking everybody else, and making it possibly look like. I am attacking people I got up and moved on from, and those who have moved on from me, thankfully. When that is not what I am doing. Despite no longer wanting to be close to certain people I still would not do that to them. The truth is I was attacked, and still have no idea who the attacker is. So, whilst I can see how things can be I cannot accuse, neither would I want to. All I know is something went down which had a remote, and far reaching effect.
Again, I said this before also and will say it. The People I once knew or were close too also had known harrowingly high levels of abuse. Why would any of us in our old age want to begin to be that disrespectful. The feeling of jealously I began to realise that was specifically under my work. Was of an elk which by any standard of jealously it felt like it had to the stage that anyone I knew or came into contact with would spark trouble. When you are insecure about your finances, your career, your job, your looks, it is difficult to understand that kind of need or behaviour in others. But I saw, where by the job I was doing was made so difficult it was clear that threat and hatred of female freedom had become in part, part of the problem.
Every experience was for a reason, and even though we all blog, write, and share out wisdoms for different reasons this is a subject I find easy to express, I had to wonder how can a job I had chosen which in reality is generally not a problem, have given me so many problems? It is not a pleasant question ask, neither a safe one to ask especially when you have experienced years of parasitic behaviour because answers could possibly very negatively biased. Absolutely unbelievable.
As motivating as it is to hear stories of how so many people managed to find away to thrive after being down on the luck. Some how it does not have a sweet ring to it when there has possibly been deliberate abuse to force that to happen. Even though, taking a leap of faith is possible. But for some reason I too am not ready to let go of what is down to earth and practical to me. I personally do not like any feeling of restriction, over the basic right to do what is normal and that is to be able to earn money as safely, and peacefully as possible.
Whilst, I had become highly motivated to thrash out all my creative business ideas again. Until, they worked. Until, I could get it as I wanted, and how it could work not just for me alone. I still did not feel any kind of link or strength to make any massive leap of faith. The level of debt that has gone on though it is not supposed to be mentioned. But I just knew things were not at the right stage yet.
Plus, I was only working with partial vision. I would be laying down in pain unable to figure out a day. Thinking what am I going to do to least get things in the shop. I thought I almost sold, only for it to turn out to be a scam. I pulled back then was left with this voice in my head saying: "get it in the shop" repeatedly screaming at me, the more tired I became and demotivated. Finally, I had a breaking energy and kept thinking but don't you love blue? and thought yeah...I do. Reached for the paint. Manage to finish the job but a short on you tube, managing to film my belly in the process. From there on in I knew this shop could happen. My next set of insecurities was dealing with just getting things up for sale, without being able to get organised to present the works in such a way that is would appeal to buyers. But in truth this was just about oddments to help me get my head around it all.
I have so many years as a temp being thrown in at the deep end. That I figured I could swim this thing out for my own self. But belief or not the feeling of it is always going to look like this persisted. Once on bed rest and in pain. I looked around and realised that the business already feels like it has reached the status of a full time job, and the sales department has not even got started. It may not be things anybody wants where it is at the moment but too at least have a way to get started is good enough. I have already stated I am a complete wash out when it comes to sales. Somehow emptying that out of my systems has been the best thing for me. Because otherwise, if I never said or cussed it out, or into my businesses, I would definitely feel like a fraud. Therapeutically, entrepreneurship at least to me has such a catatonic feeling of a level of fear. That once you begin the step be step process of getting started, and surrendering yourself to the letting go process, the therapy to overcome so much fear is natural effective in the steps you are taking to get started without any of those steps targeting the fear you were once feeling.
It is the strangest thing because I am realise though I care about my product and customers. Within myself letting go, and keeping going begins to feel like not caring. You do care but not in a bothersome way. Thank Goodness. It is the beginning of surfacing out of the deep end even though you maybe thrown back in many times for various reasons.
Catching up on everything. Pacing through on everything has happened, and I am grateful for the onward journey. I have a lot to find out. Selling online is its own maze, and challenge which opens up a gauntlet of possibilities. You can make money in your sleep. Even your worse enemy can buy from you. It is truly a changed world to when I tested business out year ago.
I am so Grateful to Wish People Well No matter how bad things had become. Recently, applying for jobs when a reference was requested. I was unable to give one. Life had become so isolating. Plus, it can be such risk the amount information required though a necessary and legal part of requirement to respect both parties.
People want the Truth of who you are to be able to do business with you, and here is mine...I am sure this was a 4 hour blog that is not funny. I could only be me. This may not be the style or way others or opportunity may want things, and my open style maybe upsetting and misunderstood. I just had to get this out. That feeling of being forced back in amongst everything and everyone who had badly hurt you over and over again, is a very unpleasant feeling to have someone consistently force that to happen when it would not otherwise, or normally happen is a real unpleasant threat within, or outside of practical reasoning.
All I can do is my best and keeping reaching for change!
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