Been a long gone while since I have been in the blog house

My god what on earth am I going to say when it has felt like there should have long been more to show.

It sticks to me like limpet and beeswax life all up in the air again…I know I don’t want to hear about it either.

It is not that I am ungrateful at all for any opportunity that comes my way, it is always the opposite with me, but this time…. hmm!

Well now, with all that gratitude on board that is enough of that back end of the shop.

Elsewhere, in house of flowism

We are climbing back out of what seemed like the not so good idea to put stock in kallax shelfs and buckets or boxes. Whilst injured…we are talking about a couple years ago of news here, you had never heard of such a bad idea, thankfully, I had the bright idea to buy a ton of hanging tags, and a bunch of safety pins, a bit of masking tape, and I am still working my way through trying to get organised and find my feet again, and yes, as is typical with business, you are out or something or the other.

Else where in other studios the books continue to be written!

With some of the boxes labelled, it is still a drag to pull for project, all be it a miniscule operation.

All im saying to myself is I need to get started doing something, by this time all my best laid plans have walked off and left me, and I am grasping and clinging to anything as my being has been through so much non apparent forms of attack. 

Content for a long time kept me comforted and distracted from everything else around me. 

But as anyone knows that changes faster than a falling sugar rush.

I felt it wasn’t coming together for me, but I was keeping on going!

I had to do something be it ugly, sound bad, I just had to keep trying to get up.

Whether what was is everything felt lost to me.

Thank God, I had gone through the healing of being reinspired by my own work. So, nothing knocks me down going back to where I started.

From somewhere to a wake-up call, life lesson, prayer, and meditation, I had worked and asked hard enough to learn, and hear where that battle of health is in my ears.

I am grateful, I at least got some of the knowledge amid everything going on, especially in that shudder like rising which shows you more of who you are, which equally wipes out knowledge of where you are going.

For some reason I had the deepest type of what felt like catatonic fear and raging and continually climbing gripping overwhelm, it was so bad I could wait, and could let it catch me in the nothingness it felt like it had attached to me!

More poignant projects still at blur to me as couldn’t even scramble through the maze in my foggiest days.

But I got in that room which no matter how messy gave back to me and began to create the most incohesive frustrating collection known to me at least, because I am sure I always knew how to match things up!

Lawd, help me…is Jesus on holiday?

Bang dem little angels came

I sat retexturing cotton through my injuries, thanks be to God from whom all blessings flow!

My head was stuck, I could see and feel the change and the durability emerging due to the products I was using but followed through with cushions not once but several times

It was both exciting, and soul destroying

As time consumed me, and style and cohesiveness refused me

I decided to follow through as started though I could feel each product as a business out of reach

My mind felt like it was continually breaking due to having to deal with things and persons I wanted to with all due respect know nothing about.

I was conflicted perplexed and heavy hearted yet in love with what I had achieved

Over and under whelmed

I could catch my original vibe again

Why would I need to I am somewhere new now

My mind couldn’t hold any type of connecting vibe, now I know that ani’t a bad thing

But still, I never like to fall shorter than success

And to a greater or lesser degree, I am not feeling fully myself

I’m influenced out

Thank goodness there much to explore

I finally decided to just keep telling the disjointed story

I too just couldn’t walk away from what felt like years of failure

As markets and trends sway as far away from what you are capable of doing, yet you have been at this thing called your back street deep down and dirty garage side hustle business trying to make it look grown for about the amount of time is takes to be successful at anything.

It is the most jarring thing when you think you are thinking, and you are not doing anything but messing up good decisions.

After running long and hard from that fear of failure only to find it with an arm around your shoulder walking right beside you!


And over what considering everything else going on in the world not that should minimise what you are going through.

I eventually gave up

Let it look like everything I don’t want it too whilst shocking myself with the feel and vibration that came through to me. Realising the decade, and the place my head was actually in.

All I could say to myself again, and again, is that sometimes and in certain areas of your life you may not have made a bad to decision in deciding to do what you needed to with good intentions.

And if that is where you have to keep going back to until you find yourself again

Because your environment can mess with you and your child’s head before ya’ll even get home to the internal mess you may have created.

Maybe all of this is going through every stage necessary to get back on track, and on tap with my art again!

As anyone could probably tell I struggle to be overly promotional about any of my work, that is a process not yet begun

I often feel like I can hear other saying: “what a mug….do you know how much money you can be making?”

Well, I would say to that yes, that is why I tried to get a shop going.


After, much of a battle with myself thinking far too much and taking it all far to seriously, I AM GRATEFUL TO HAVE STARTED AGAIN, AS I STARTED BEFORE.


Thank you for visiting the blog house here at house of flowism

Natural flowism

A freedom of being!





I genuinely do not know what to call this...this is not about sympathy at all. This is not even about wanting anything from any

one let alone an institution. 

Sometimes, I was lyrical all day long and still don't know how to get rid of my debt in a simply clever way. There is this dull thudding going on above my head. I do not know what it is, if it new neighbours or that stalker who seemed to be in a telethpathic competition.

I do not live in a show, and I am not every ready for continual violation which needn't happen

We have all been hurt by something or somebody, but just now, tonight at about 21:00/10/01/2023. I tweeted something which lick my brain. After another week lost  in trying to do I don't know what over past things. That is what is seems like now.

Trust me, when I tell anyone who has been put through years of abuse. Distracting them from their life, and their family, especially, the beauty of seeing their children grow and flourish regardless of whether you gave birth to them is in explicable to miss. I can never describe the pain that is.

What I tweeted about is the all around journey of what maybe frozen in fear, or unrecognised ways to help others without unintentionally recognising what can or may help. 

Reporting years of domestic abuse let alone stalking to the police, let alone having to deal with it can be like being forced to watch every horror movie ever made, day in and day out. Stalkers do not seemed to have failed in unknowingly, or unbeknownst to those who get sucked into the field of stalkers, garnering all their support. 

Admittedly, I am completely frustrated about my own failing to a degree. I hand not intended for my plans to be topsy turvy, but try as you may at times it happens to all of us.

As I sat and less than sat taking stock of all that has happened, unable to escape the impact of effects. From about, what is now last year June 2022. When so many unnecessary even cruel at times events, forced me to realised what I thought I was doing, or I dare to say even where I was working something else which may have been carefully constructed maybe happening.

I personally, do not want anything to do with what is not real. I am not interested in faking it up, and making it look nice when it is not that in the first place. So, you are right if you bet that all the opposite comes to reside!

I tweeted a long tweet it can be found @naturalflowism

What was going through my mind is: How do survivors of abuse, domestic abuse, or stalking abuse really survive? Trying to explain to a perspective employer, or to Universal Credit, or your landlord all of become impacted by what you are going through that you are trying to negotiate to new places of work which is taking longer than it normally would because where you had try to work years and years before more than likely? possibly? either also became impacted by the stalker, or the connected family, some kind of controlling jealously? but nobody dear talk! Nobody dear say a word, and that includes local authorities, all of them be they dealing with social care, or legal care, or criminal activity. 

This was or is my thing. Because, I done know the effect and pattern by now. I know what it did to my health, I know what it feels like to feel that had been, or may have been acutely calculated whether fully true or not.

So, again here's my thing. More time and not when you go to authority they can seem like they are so pricked up on needing to have each others back no matter good or bad. That they cannot help you with the simplest of words or explanation. It is not even that you want to have to want anything at all.

With all due respect

You do not want to know their lives

You do not even want to know their evidence if they need to keep it themselves

But, in that isn't there just some way

Some how

You can at least acknowledge that they way this individual has consistently been forced to approach that whilst due the responsibility an authority has to hold it maybe in the best interest of that person not be told certain things, because legality and behaviours is some mess to take on and deal with even in a professional capacity.


But, when going out and doing what you invested to do gets all the wrong interest, and can feel like a flogging to just carry out because you night shift seems to have become like an abusers night out. People see and experience creativity, see all that money and think they can do anything to anybody, out of their own jealously. Then, all of a not so sudden what was nice and normal turns into a brutal entity back to the days of what can be likened to sexual cruelties.

But, there is no certificate under this or for this

You have been through all the loss of money, mentality, loss of cognitive process, the resources to get up and even do what can be done, it takes time to build up through it all again, and having someone or something thudding as you seem to think is not helping!

My point in all this is where abuses fall in-between the cracks of the law. At times, it is not that you are not understood, but my erk about all this is - is where authorities hands become ties, or their mouths cannot speak even though they know it. Sometimes, you can be up against win or lose when that has no meaning for you.Years of trying to turn stalking into this, or that so none can catch them in the act. Yet, how many are trained up enough to see through that?

Often times, it feels like too many of us are left dealing with something which could have been acknowledged. Something which says that whilst the individual turned up working or this landlord seeming to reduce or get away from the impact of somebodies very jealous condition though we cannot identify each contact that condition may use, or employer what is undeniable is the impact on the individual who has moved home, and job for several years to try and lesson the impact or possibly one stalker who may be the head of larger family who intended to take over this persons like and be the benefactor in all they do.

The fact of trauma are untold...and yes being able to get physically fit, eat right, live life as full as you can, there are the downer moments which sometimes you sadly cannot avoid, and can make you so invisible to many.

What I am wondering to night is...for people who lose everything, or nearly everything due to being stalked, bad relationships, who end up being or becoming almost invisible, struggle or cannot get out of debt because they can barely explain or be believed for what is being done, or has been done to them their so no letters of acknowledgment regarding the attempts to report where there is no finality to what is or not found. 

The underwritten

It appears something has been given

But, who and what

A rewriter

So, yes it maybe thought of being made of obvious but there are still too many evasions in saying it without becoming comparable within it

Dear God

As crazy as this all may sound

I know there has been something despite no direct recognition

For the years I believed in life, I continue too

I do not know if all that is given is believed, investigated, or left to recede 

​​​​​​​I just think there is some kind of way everybody can be helped to be free from people who are at times are completely unaware that something, just something so small can be the letter or gesture which change so many from the hell being affected by stalking allows!


Natural Flowism

Is someone stuck between the flats thudding around?

In between floor and ceiling a muffled crowd?

A Freedom of Being! 







Returning to what Felt like Failure

The Strength to Move on, and be re-inspired like never before...

...and so it is, as written did not realise it has been 2 years since I blogged directly on my own website. Last night...well early this morning I dreamt of pastel coloured house set back from the pavement and the road, which had long front gardens but where more like terrace one floor up houses, something about darkish wooden furniture and ticking. Probably dreamt that because I have a pile of stuff to sew up, and with that I am wondering if my business idea is correct to build my stores behind the studios first.


I do not know how I got past the level of internal criticism I have been constantly confronted with for years. Thank God for low sodium water which I had seen in my fridge whilst still saying I had no water. As I slurp up the water sharing it with my chin and my top.

There is no point I have regressed and surrender to never being or sounding corporate. What's the point aren't I a fully fledge artist.

It is so odd to me not to travel and being seeing either the same familiar scenery and landmarks or finding new ones. For the past 6 months literally at home. For years, I haven't done much else but work and home but at least I was getting out and about with work, is what it feels like and that is nothing bad except for better help breaking up the day and having a brisk healthy walk works wonder for your brain, and that is not what I have been doing.


I will say it again no matter how many times I write an "I" 

I still do not know fully what happened mid year in the controversy that developed around the time of my injury and ill health. Though forever ands always grateful for work because there has always been some crap going on in regards to my work, it is just bloody typical that as if a life where you were abused from the out set was not enough you then get landed with some drama or abuse or other whilst just trying to earn yah money, get the job done, and get on. 


It was my last shift and I was making my way in. By this time I am in so much pain, admittedly I am irritated and feeling like led weight but I am trying to keep the money coming in, the last thing I reckon anyone ever wants on a job is pure trouble. I can see a plot forming. By the time I get on site my eyes are in the air because to this is Cleary childish. There is employment law and guidelines for targeting not to happen. But for years, it is has been there in my life. A continual lack of respect it feels like in some regard.


When it comes to racism I do not consider myself the most switched on person and by that I mean I learnt to not judge everything or everyone as black and white considering you can be working with or for someone and never know their true nationality, or the colour of their family. But even I know when there is a possibility of someone trying to belittle you because of the work you do, as you mind your own business, which may translate as you ignoring that person which makes them want to attack you more, or do anything to feel more powerful than you, and you are not even trying to over power anyone. In fact you are struggling with your own insecurities, job insecurity, financial insecurity, plus you health all of which is enough to keep you occupied.


As I was saying, I could see the plot developing on the way to work. So, I actually not only I there was a mobbing type experience which did not only target or affect me. It has been rough!


Though, I remain grateful work. Despite antics, work finally became professional for me. I say that because in my early days work and pleasure did become intertwined by I feel like I managed to pull back and change that and I am much happier too. 


Tacking stock of this year and of the past years of tensions and ups and downs. I finally reckoned with what my mistakes were. I remember times of ridicule because I said, oh..I will never go back there again...and why..because I went back to twice, and things did not turn out nice. Now vowing never to return too somewhere might not always be practical or possible. But in deep reflection when I was very decisive the problems I encountered recently did not happen.


Should I talk about pay disputes, and that awful moment you hear "they don't want to pay you," and you have done job. Or if they do pay you it is far too low than the hours you have worked. I couldn't not understand what had happened. It is beyond challenging to be working for what seems like a dynamic upbeat team. But within that there is still this familiar incessant behaviours which feel unfortunately old school.


I could not believe what was happening. It set my mind on a train as I looked back over a pattern of employment and money troubles. I felt like I had not seen it so Cleary before. I was too busy working thank God to be able to think about how someone could have approached people for year to stir up trouble for me and around me, and who admit it if it were true? No one. Just you can be left looking like a lazy culprit who never has anything together. Who cannot do anything for you and yours. As though you are completely irresponsible. Which can leave families fighting in trauma when there is only so much every bread winner can take.


It hurt so bad. I do not mind saying it. It hurt me so bad. Things creeped me out, and I say that in the understanding that so many people, in fact too many people are left without the support they need to lead fully independent lives without realising that is what is happening to them. Too many people do not realise that support they need which will give them the necessary resources and treatment not to attack others, and help them fully understand what the workplace is for, and what should never be done to fellow co-workers, or their neighbours. This is partly how stalking is about to grow flourish, and become embedded and entrenched in society until an excess of resources is needed to begin to stem the behaviours, thoughts, and patterns!


I began to realise it was not impossible that I did not fully realise something very systematic was happening, and it was possible that it could happen because it was entertaining in someway, or profitable in some way. I found it strange that there began to seem like there was a growing correlation between my online, and social media activity and the volume, or time I would get work.

In fact, it freaked me out. But there again I was making money, and not foreseeing possible injury. I was getting near to being about to pay off my debts. But, things changed.

There had been a pattern of complaints which had led to pay disputes. I left up out of it not willing to return until covid happened then I did and to me it seemed like things had improved. I was so glad, and really grateful. It was good. But within and underneath that grind was something incessant. I could not believe it when I got another call telling me "they don't want to pay you" then ended being paid under the amount owed which did not cover the amount of hours worked. 


Something, or somebody had got in on what had become so professional and generally ran really nicely, and trouble free. A certain part of the industry just seemed to turn nasty. Like for just normal trunking up the road was filled with onset of light bashers. People intent on doing all kinds to distract you or let you know this was only being done to you. Even though that was not true.

This all had a physical impact. I will say it again something deliberate was being done. Someone had reached a stage of sick, and must have become so out of control themselves, and their own mind. The reason I am confident to say that is despite my advancing years, and my ill health. I could still still tell the difference of what was before, and what is now. Not only that I had also experienced them trying their antic where by they could not get the better of me at the time.


If there is no truth in something I will call it as it is fiction.

But when I know in my heart mind soul brain and spirit something is being done to deliberately harm and undermine others. I am going to keep on saying.


Sorry, but this has to come up and out. I could barely face it they idea of how long this form of systematic targeting could have been going on. It was over with me and the agency. I wish them the very best. I got so concerned at one point when they would call me like there just seemed to be a pattern of me being called anytime I spoke to loved ones. There came to be such a tense sense of urgency, and need, with a feeling of a crippling fear attached. Nothing was said but the atmosphere had gone off somewhere else. It was always a place when things were going right which was always about straightforward business. Thankfully the place was so successful that once you could trust you would be paid what was agreed it was a place to always tap for work. Especially, as the ongoing blocking stints where really good.


All summer almost under all the pain and injury I dealt with the overwhelming and all consuming feeling of someone with encroaching need to control. The impossibility they may feel or continually experience of you being free.The clearest and sharpest level of a right of entitlement, disregard, and disrespect which in normal circumstance if any felt so badly toward someone they will never want to be around them. But in this case what would be considered as bad vibes in other circumstances was the juice, and need to be there to make you feel works, enclosed, and completely controlled and captivated is the best way I can describe.


So, here I am still as Grateful, and Thankful as ever with the pouring out of my truth, my experiences, as what I have to offer in business which if I am honest. I do not not know how to make a success. But I felt the same way about getting my Class One Lorry Driving license, which seemed like a complete impossibility to me whilst washing dishes for a living, then making sandwiches, and serving up pints at nights once I started doing double bookings to make ends meet back in the day.

It is the journey they don't like, and possibly what they try to hide. Life is tough enough without someone suffering from stalking behaviours coming after you because they never expected you to so well especially after all they had done to fuck up your money and your journey. But eventually how do you really hide when you keep making the similar or same thing happen to someone over, and over again. This is not a pity story. This me giving blunt because of how many people are, or maybe affected because of me. By my reckoning that leaves me with a duty not to be quiet about anybody.


I thought I would have made out to work a lot sooner, But things got so bad I had to go for Universal Credit. I did not feel humiliated because I know I can work once sorted. But my mind had been broken about what had gone on against me out on the road, and at the agency. To have to stop and think for one minute that this could be someone I had gone to school with was just beyond belief. Yet, sadly enough I saw how that could be true. Because I had experience such levels of possessiveness whilst young. But thought well we are all young. We all have to move on. However, the interruption in all of this is someone else attacking everybody else, and making it possibly look like. I am attacking people I got up and moved on from, and those who have moved on from me, thankfully. When that is not what I am doing. Despite no longer wanting to be close to certain people I still would not do that to them. The truth is I was attacked, and still have no idea who the attacker is. So, whilst I can see how things can be I cannot accuse, neither would I want to. All I know is something went down which had a remote, and far reaching effect.


Again, I said this before also and will say it. The People I once knew or were close too also had known harrowingly high levels of abuse. Why would any of us in our old age want to begin to be that disrespectful. The feeling of jealously I began to realise that was specifically under my work. Was of an elk which by any standard of jealously it felt like it had to the stage that anyone I knew or came into contact with would spark trouble. When you are insecure about your finances, your career, your job, your looks, it is difficult to understand that kind of need or behaviour in others. But I saw, where by the job I was doing was made so difficult it was clear that threat and hatred of female freedom had become in part, part of the problem.


Every experience was for a reason, and even though we all blog, write, and share out wisdoms for different reasons this is a subject I find easy to express, I had to wonder how can a job I had chosen which in reality is generally not a problem, have given me so many problems? It is not a pleasant question ask, neither a safe one to ask especially when you have experienced years of parasitic behaviour because answers could possibly very negatively biased. Absolutely unbelievable.


As motivating as it is to hear stories of how so many people managed to find away to thrive after being down on the luck. Some how it does not have a sweet ring to it when there has possibly been deliberate abuse to force that to happen. Even though, taking a leap of faith is possible. But for some reason I too am not ready to let go of what is down to earth and practical to me. I personally do not like any feeling of restriction, over the basic right to do what is normal and that is to be able to earn money as safely, and peacefully as possible.


Whilst, I had become highly motivated to thrash out all my creative business ideas again. Until, they worked. Until, I could get it as I wanted, and how it could work not just for me alone. I still did not feel any kind of link or strength to make any massive leap of faith. The level of debt that has gone on though it is not supposed to be mentioned. But I just knew things were not at the right stage yet.

Plus, I was only working with partial vision. I would be laying down in pain unable to figure out a day. Thinking what am I going to do to least get things in the shop. I thought I almost sold, only for it to turn out to be a scam. I pulled back then was left with this voice in my head saying: "get it in the shop" repeatedly screaming at me, the more tired I became and demotivated. Finally, I had a breaking energy and kept thinking but don't you love blue? and thought yeah...I do. Reached for the paint. Manage to finish the job but a short on you tube, managing to film my belly in the process. From there on in I knew this shop could happen. My next set of insecurities was dealing with just getting things up for sale, without being able to get organised to present the works in such a way that is would appeal to buyers. But in truth this was just about oddments to help  me get my head around it all. 


I have so many years as a temp being thrown in at the deep end. That I figured I could swim this thing out for my own self. But belief or not the feeling of it is always going to look like this persisted. Once on bed rest and in pain. I looked around and realised that the business already feels like it has reached the status of a full time job, and the sales department has not even got started. It may not be things anybody wants where it is at the moment but too at least have a way to get started is good enough. I have already stated I am a complete wash out when it comes to sales. Somehow emptying that out of my systems has been the best thing for me. Because otherwise, if I never said or cussed it out, or into my businesses, I would definitely feel like a fraud. Therapeutically, entrepreneurship at least to me has such a catatonic feeling of a level of fear. That once you begin the step be step process of getting started, and surrendering yourself to the letting go process, the therapy to overcome so much fear is natural effective in the steps you are taking to get started without any of those steps targeting the fear you were once feeling.


It is the strangest thing  because I am realise though I care about my product and customers. Within myself letting go, and keeping going begins to feel like not caring. You do care but not in a bothersome way. Thank Goodness. It is the beginning of surfacing out of the deep end even though you maybe thrown back in many times for various reasons.


Catching up on everything. Pacing through on everything has happened, and I am grateful for the onward journey. I have a lot to find out. Selling online is its own maze, and challenge which opens up a gauntlet of possibilities. You can make money in your sleep. Even your worse enemy can buy from you. It is truly a changed world to when I tested business out year ago.


I am so Grateful to Wish People Well No matter how bad things had become. Recently, applying for jobs when a reference was requested. I was unable to give one. Life had become so isolating. Plus, it can be such risk the amount information required though a necessary and legal part of requirement to respect both parties.


Surreal Moments

People want the Truth of who you are to be able to do business with you, and here is mine...I am sure this was a 4 hour blog that is not funny. I could only be me. This may not be the style or way others or opportunity may want things, and my open style maybe upsetting and misunderstood. I just had to get this out. That feeling of being forced back in amongst everything and everyone who had badly hurt you over and over again, is a very unpleasant feeling to have someone consistently force that to happen when it would not otherwise, or normally happen is a real unpleasant threat within, or outside of practical reasoning.


All I can do is my best and keeping reaching for change!











I am sorry if the following is not said in the best or most sensitive way, or with the right words. I am an expressionist, and the best I can do is share an honest account of any experience I have had in life which has moved me beyond, all belief. 

On the 9th of September 2022. I arrived home after doing my local run around about 20:00 just happened to be scrolling through my you tube subscriptions, and saw the news.  Queen Elizabeth the II had sadly passed away. I sat down silently screaming myself.  By the time I saw the Queen's Son King Charles the III signing, I lost it. I sat looking and realised what I had witnessed in my life. It was so huge, and such a feat of humanity. I was so moved I could not think. Whilst everyone else was offering condolences, I found myself hash tagging Thank You! not to be rude. My brain just couldn't function and think of what I else I should say. I was just stunned, and shocked, as completely selfish as that is, and sounds. 

I woke up on the 17th of September 2022 I thought I was under the Thames. I wiped my eyes and realised I was thankfully on dry land. Before I hash tagged thank you, I had been love hearting peoples posts on Instagram who had thankfully offered condolences.

As I woke, I could hear the hymn "have thine own way, Lord" again in true expressionism as I read the words, I formulated a tweet in loving memory of Queen Elizabeth the ll. Adding, I hope, or I pray the World never asks so much of Someone again with all due Respect. Also adding I became a driver myself.  

During my years as a driver to be honest I got so sick and tired of being approached with such remarks as "it is unusual to see a female driver" though I never planned it, I think one time I blurted out that the Queen was a driver in the war. From then on anybody who said that to me got a quick sharp lesson about the Queen having been a driver. I did that out of respect. Not only that, I always found it really weird, and very disrespectful that anyone dare say that to me anyway, but especially in the UK during the Queen's Reign. 

I dare to continue with all due respect. I am neither a Royalist nor a Loyalist. It was my late Mothers interest, and my late Father's job which is really how I came to know there was a Royal Family. Growing up in Fulham SW6 we were close to Earls Court Exhibition Centre during the times when the Royal Tournament came to Town which we attended.  It was nothing unusual if you were up at the break of dawn to see a procession of soldiers on horseback walking along nearby NORTHEND ROAD. One of my saving graces during my childhood was being sent to our next-door neighbour house at the times, who was a veteran Soldier. Probably, saved my life considering what went on in our house! Whilst we were not a military family. I do believe eventually there was family who grew up and signed up to the Army and Navy. 

Queen Elizabeth the ll reign touched all our lives very closely at least in my generation. There were times when that was as celebratory, as it was deeply conflicting. I do remember my late Mother looking forward to her 25th Coronation.  

As a Creative with a particular interest in Fashion. Films about the Queen were often a go to. However, as my life changed, and wherever my life was deliberately affected by having been stalked for many years, I found that going to that go to  resulted in a particular possessiveness for having viewed such films. 

As I sat watching the news. I do not know why. But as I had seen footage been shown from about the area of Nelsons Column toward the mall. From the filter of my own experience of unwanted attention, and years of other abuses. As I looked at what I was seeing, something moved and stirred within me, said something to me. Made me question myself, without wanting to be nosey or anything, as this is rhetorical self-questioning, and reflection, as a member of the public, having been  through unwanted attentions. Though, as part of my work I chose to put myself out there. I just found myself asking about the years of  sacrifice, and what that may have really meant, or otherwise mean. Asking that again due to the experiences I had. My concerns were having seen times when during the Queens reign the way coverage of her during her grief was.

As I got older with experiences I had behind me. I had long felt that as a public with all due respect to the powerful women the Queen was, and will be remembered as. I just personally felt without any proof of such, that far too much may at times have been asked of  her in respect of her right to grief privately in her life, and with her family.

Especially, when I saw, and heard comments regarding footage which saw the Queen once she had made an appearance during grief, was then pictured in her car, as she must have just caught her breath, leaning against her husband only for a photographer to capture that moment. I sat there listening to this news footage, and could not believe what I was hearing.

For anyone who has been through any type of domestic abuses that whole incident would sound like disordered abusive behaviour, even if that image fed the photographer, and their family with all due respect.

The need, if there was one to get such an image. Seeing that play out from behind the filters, and through the lens of surviving abusers, and abuses such as stalkers the whole thing sounded, and felt very different to me. Especially, after studying Brain Health which has, and is opening up with me greater consideration for others. The need to have so much of someone just felt like beyond huge. The gravity of which I find almost incomprehensible, though I understand what type of commitment the Queen made to the UK, and the rest of the World.

Because of the way I express myself, and the kind of challenges, and experiences I have had. I thought just in case anything is taken out of context.  (typo errors included!)
I decided to leave some understanding behind what I tweeted, and

My Sincere Condolences 
May you all be Strengthened on all your continued journeys 

Natural Flowism 

A Freedom of Being! 


It is now April 2020 already give thanks!

When the world

When Life

calls us all to our notice or to pay attention

Even if as nations we collective go through experiencing the same situations and circumstances

there are just not enough words of comfort for all those who have lost their loved ones 

Corona virus sadly has seen many souls return home from this earth

Even though I do not have the words of wisdom or comfort at this time for the pain and suffering of all those who are in physical pain as a result of the corona Virus. I just without offence wanted to say i pray and hope you all be strong and well again. 


Also, I just wanted  to acknowledge and give a word of gratitude and thanks to everyone who is working tirelessly on the front line of this epidemic. Thank You!  Thank you! Thank you!

my words are not correct

I am sorry if my wording not being correct offends you!

The whole world feels like it is in a global reset

the whole world feels like it is in a global mindset reset

So quickly so many taken

So much changes

So instantly the financial impact

Global mind reset!

In loving memory of all those who returned to their souls

May you soar beyond your wildest dreams and may all who remain do the same!

Take care all and everyone!

Please follow the advice in this link to stay safe:

natural flowism

a freedom of being! 




Invisible Bruises  

I'm trying to be OK
About the hours that go by
Blood pressure levels teach me to rest
Whilst my mind wants to stay focused on my bucket list
It's OK to sit and rest
Trying to soothe away the silent invisible bruises
It can be hard to redirect all the challenging ideas in my imagination
Go, go flex I hate to admit it
Ny mind is just not in coordination with flexibility or even health and healing at the moment
What horrible tale has your mind come up with next?
No tale just a memory of around about the beginning of the millennium
When I did not realise I may have been threatened
The possible subtlety of the dictation of punishment themed on somebody
No one would guess there is a fantasy to over throw those with creativity
Someone wants to get them in
They begin forms of highly covert Intimidations before they really settle into formations
We made you our mascot in our heads
Match but don’t confess
So now
That is how they play their jest
People living their most ordinary best lives, are not left to be their best but are attacked by every attempt to pull them toward those with little resistance or defiance to living in subterfuge!
And again nobody appears to suspect
Because not everyone knows what everyone has said!


It can be like all the dinners you never had getting started at something especially with art, and in design...and the amount of time it can take. 

You can get starred but suppose something just does not take, or feel right but you just cannot see why? 

Life can make you self conscious enough without being an artist on top of that! 

Suppose it takes you forever to resonate with your own works because your life has you snagged into dealing with abusers like stalkers, Internet trolls, burglars, or bad marriage break ups, unscrupulous business partners, and on top of that world crisises, and if you are flat out broke how are you ever going to find the strength or space in your mind to emotionally connect, attract and drive success to all you do. 

All you have been through can be as inspiring  as it is uninspiring to others. 

In the midst of making something appealing, your works or you may come across as unappealing to others.

A Combination of all these things has become part of my negotiation through different mediums, and materials.
Natural Flowism
A Freedom of Being!
HOUSE of Flowism LtD

Stalker With What? 

The Firms Man's Got it Really Bad!
Where the Freedom and Love at?
She couldn't bare to lose them
Not her to him
Him to her
Even though the two people had never really known each other except in her fear of losing control of herself!
Toxic boundaries come first in this tale of a woman who turned everybody else’s life into her personal merch
As she and her gang stalked driving against the motorway central reservation, as they drive along looking up. I fall asleep and made it blatant!
Forearm to hand lifted in the air
Time and time again from yard to fuel station forecourt
Following closely behind
Stuck around my life
Forearm to hand lifted in the air
Thrown into a daze?
I fall into a fall sleep feeling again, and again, and again. 
Can barely stay awake at home.
No cups or cards done
But I have slept till tired year after year after
Cannot get enough of much done
Why after so many years of domestic abuse will it feel like no one would believe there is a stalker, an abuser, who will teach others to in general knock people out in the strangest of circumstances and have them seen as sleeping which is a convenience researched and created by someone who has remained stuck on cosy afternoon naps, unable to cope with the reality of the professional world.
“Hear my world” is the child abusers stifled cry
A child abused who still abuses as that child!
Natural Flowism
A Freedom of Being!

Oddments of Poetry Trying to detect Freedom and Love! 

The Detection of Freedom and Love in...
Love Cruelty Fear Freedom 
A Blog of Alternative Personal Coarse Work!
Research Poetry Questionnaire (1)
What is love?
Safety in something you feel and say?
What isn’t love?
Danger in something you ball up as dangerous Energy projecting and impacting someone so violently distressing them because they don't feel the same way?
Energy Exploration 
Alternative Coarse Work: No Need for Experimentation(it has already been done!) (2)
Energy can work in conjunction with a persons mind, perception, and physical health to crack wood, and create many other destructions, what are the myriad of disguises used on the unsuspecting?
What are the Componenants of Feeling Freedom and Love 
[This is An Alternative  form of informal personal internal study](3)
What is the feeling of freedom and love?
What am I more likely to feel, or relate the feeling too if I could switch out what my mind went through during abuse?
This is Alternative Course Work Research Poetry!(4)
No fear
Living inwardly and outwardly
Trust and the truth feeling and looking as good as fresh air and Fresh Clear Water tasty as a meal of Clear Water Fish 
Respect and enjoyment for the gift of healthy communication, and speech?
Respect for intention and intellect when used for the healing purposes, and for the good of all concerned?
Strength to live in complete and utter truth every moment of every millisecond, minute, hour, day, month, and year
The respect for the truthful ways of true construction, with absolutely no negative limitations
Short Story Poetry(5)
Taken on as a wife nothing matched
8The alignment of words with actions without any other type of attachment
It was a marriage of the quite contrite!
He who had been a good wife
Remote Evil Research Poetry(6)
Would you believe that such a thing can be devised?
Yet again I am here not scared to say utter over, and over again.
This not just about the smoking curses at M6 junction with the A34
This is about years of planning 
Years of need to devise anything and everything not to let go
Must Control
Must have Hold
Cab you do your job with your eyes closed?
Visions of a comparative test
Can we sit and watch from a far how our project upon thee will have your eyes rolling in the back of your as though your are Satan’s Cabbaged Whisky 
I love thee
You may think your mind screams
I love thee
But why the need for so much when in person the absolutely no feelings of care, neither feelings of Love
With too many coincidences and incidents of things gone wrong in the name of love for someone which only feels like live to the one who proclaims it
Feels like almost a life time of somebody else’s gang always coming out from remote crevices to check on how effective their evil deeds have become!
Rapes so Evil it clothed and closed the minds, and hearts of so many 
Why the harsh truths of the brutal abuse upon innocence hurts and closes  the minds of so many
Too painful a burden for anyone to care a lost generation stuck on let’s pretend make belief.
But for one who cannot afford to allow the escaped to be free and continually get a way due to their vacuous need for control...bruised a nation created a no love state then went hell for leather on remote control slinging  it all in as Energy bombs anything to divert attention from the mistakes that had been their perfect covers for years....beat in the head so much left to deal with as too high on drugs now trying to mess with legal ways as an adult with lower school mental age.
A person life’s story so cruel and so sad nobody dear touch them or clean a way the savages that follow them about everyday waiting for next mogul who they are convinced is about to pay out....this after stolen residencies, a whole families fortune. Now all the con merchants are tighter that shit on a stick?
Where is all the love and freedom in all of this?
Which sentences or bit of poetry conjures up the closes fit?
No answers on a postcard 


These are Creative Works

Created by Lavinia De Ayr

Natural Flowism
A Freedom of Being!


Still Bugging and its been years of.... 

For the express attention of Detective Rivington Smythe...but further up the road!

TN  drives passed me and a rip is felt in the lower back part of my head just above my neck on the right side of my head. X.
It alters me
Is someone jealous of me or them?
Ovv tries to work on me
They continue to try to work on Me along the M25
Its been since South Africa...
There is a white line in the sky that flies away after TN has driven  by
I arrive Washington no dome twenty seventh November twenty-twenty one after nine am
Puddle dog right ear pulled
Pedestrian crossing just past Ealing toward hanger lane
Sea shells 
Broadway smells
As a gang of stalkers antics are covered by scientific money collecting churches
Somebody got famous and that carried through as though that endorsed all what stalkers can do!
It is as if success is hiding riveting abuse only to the sadist and misogynist who enjoy seeing a person constantly forced to find ways to survive their abuse!
Patrols few would recognise as such
A kidnapped life style few would recognise as such
They’ve always known they had it all 
They watch as another generation in society only just wakes up to what has been going on all along. 
Cover after cover
Slowly comes off
Killers must have thought they walked off scot free 
Free as a bird  until new understandings about the causes of mental health made their alibies unfurl which catapults plans to rage chaos attempts to rage wars so they will never get caught again just because she done in a friend?
Whose on the mend?
They raise false hope as they lay claims of a wedding and spread
False rumours about a romance which will never take effect is spread to have the effect of abusing people to be submissive to a cause from which they cannot repent. They did no wrong but must be kept on.
Whilst medical conditions prevail feels like a cult?  has devised a way to lay grip onto a persons body? Here's that story:
Ten Fifty Eight Zero Four
Paid for goods on the Twenty Seventh of November Twenty -  Twenty One. Echo Four Eight Sierra Tango maybe? I could feel it. Energy puffing away my lower back begins to feel gathered getting tighter and tighter till its is difficult for me to move, and almost breathe uf it had carried on! As i walked away from paying for my goods i brush the energy down from my back as i walk away! 
Again it reinforces the cruelty and level of control there has continued to be in my life. I cannot think of anything i am doing apart from getting in with my life which will raise the need for that level of oppressive control over me which another attempts to be. These are patterns that i now realise began to be  raised possibly as far back as two thousand and three. But yet something else reminds me of the cruelty that had always been even before the age of three!
To date someone who has never been stalked is unknown to me
To know or have interacted with anyone who has not struggled to get out of a marriage or from someone is unknown to me!

Raising a child in the middle and all the way through campaigns of stalking is known to me!
For this to be the case hoos effect treatment possibly  may not be in place?

Natural Flowism 
A Freedom of Being!

Attached Until they or until we allUnderstand? 

Whether you reach here by lamb or fowl...the world unfolds be it good or bad.
Cover ups become uncovered if your life has the span
After living for a  long enough time society as it is can seem like a carefully contrived plan to blight the belief in good health and freedom adventure and no need for no good restrictions!
Why did we believe in the projectionist who can project illness and no doubt possibly  contrived a plan that will not vibrate toward the manifestation  of health!
Stress and what stress is
Who would have thought
Certainly no me 
That years after feeling the weight and pressurs of taking on what feels like everybody else crap that if you can become mentally strong enough somehow you can employ your own imagination to throw it all back. Only that which does not belong to you, of course!
Some people have the gift of freedom to not accept what is not there. But sadly so.many of never realised what was being done to us ...therefore we became mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financial sick because we had no means of immediatelly recognising what was not ours. Therefore it stayed with us as ours instead of being returned to sender!
Nobody but a few would believe these things called curses can actually speak and move out and a way from you.
Considered babble amongst the wrong set
But unless you can understand a level of assault of attachment planned and carried out against  someone to be effective whilst they are conscious or sub-conscious in board day light and by night remotely and otherwise. The attachment created and that person spoken about as a something which is a belongjng of the attacher.
By goat or curry they cannot see of feel like as freedom and love for everybody.
And sadly they are not wrong within them something has gone attachment becomes their main function.

Natural  Flowism
A Freedom of Being!

Wooden Shiplap 

Coming down the M40
All I could hear is:
Pile dick or piles of dicks
Shoved in the blue
The crutch took it
The obsession of projection
The belief their projection game is where riches were made
Projection till they touch the spot meant you could control everyone!
It hatched more than just a plot and plan
Driving down ths motorway
I could my breast being felt
Have to use my imagination  over and over again because somebody's gran father got lucky with somebody's titties!
Now they try it over and over again
Cup cake looking bobble hats
Worn off the crown of the head
Threat of the mamagram?
As arms are lifted so my paranoid imagination feels stretched too
I have got to get it out
I have got to get it out
Not just the red wax incest man believed by others to be stuffed up inside of me
But the threat of the mamagram man
And the yellow jacket gang!

Are their Grabbing you're Crutches too? 

1st Incidents
Tbey cruise by
You're  on road
All of a sudden you're seat feels: A cluck 
A punch 
A pull
A bunch of breeze
Behind near you're  low back
A feeling of clamp
3.5ton weight
Bowels feel inflated 
Another plot
Another strange experience.which remains unstated who would believe you?
It is hard to know what others see when they see you
More feelings ir sensation of somekind of sexual type feeling
So easy to take the blame upon yourself
But no other sensatuon was happening until they come driving toward flashing their light with all tbis underground nasty shit happening!
At times every single car that passes
So....who  is paying to have the other roads airmarked as closure?
Could imagine a plot so wicked?
The need to abuse one person or one family
A decision made?
Or someone's worsening condition?
Had a plot or plan for somebody life and that of their children to get in and amongst everything they are created or inherited
An obsession that went along with everything?
The decision to forced ithers to feel exactly they do not want to feel. Something they spent developing and funding
But what are they really grabbing?
What gossip are they truly creating?
The gift of word guzzled and appreciated
Why not just drive by without any clinging needs created under the of the guise friendship whilst fulling the needs of assaulting?
There are memory prompts on road to drive safe and so on, and so forth
There are memory prompts and warnings if thieves operate in an area. But where are theives memories prompts or early lessons?
For instance....
Remember: to leave things where they are since they do not belong to you!
2. Belongings left unattended is not an "opportunity" for you!
3. The vehicle you are driving is a potential weapon do not do anything to any other driver to cause an altered state of mind!
Can memory prompts from social orgnisation who have the monopoly on crime and behaviour put an end to those who face daily, hourly, or moment to moment assault?
Do pupils who were forced unto schools for delinquents have to pay the price for the rest of their lives?
Anybody else sick and tired of the amount of power that appears to be or given to stalkers,  if any of this could give rise to any truth?
Natural Flowism 
A Freedom of Being!

Their Substance! 

When he finally comes to you
Candles lit
You're dressed all slick
Hair so neat
Straight like bedsheet
He comes to you...
You're  dressed  up
And all stressed out 
Been waiting to see him
But where has he been?
You"ve been tbrough it all
Thought of it all
He's done his rounds
And tonight it's  you're  turn
Glossy video inspire this

Songstress's sing about it
Industry makes trillions from it
It appears to be the most popular thing
His manipulation and addiction if that is what it is connected deep into you're emotions or you're addictiveness and many others like you all in it together

Just another substance he's become used to taking!
When he/they finally come to you....
Natural Flowism

A Freedom  of Being!

At the Delinquency! 

Wasted to many years just thinking!
Probably the best thing you can tell the universe is, i do not know how!
Possibly one of the biggest health lessons from the universe is with what kind of thinking!
Its a big one which takes some soul searching to get done!
Has the meteorite arrived?
As what sounds like nosey garden dwellers prey on the thoughts in the mind?
A bunch of women tried to turn man to get away with their crimes
Leaving in their wake confusion and feelings of falsehood of some kind!
Has the meteorite arrived?
As my mind still twists and turns painfully on what and why?
I hate to admit it
I have hated to admit it
Even though to some it maybe clear to see or feel
But part of the catalogue of errors left within me after a life time of trying to self-heal from abuses (because the wrong type therapist can leave you with even more damages to overcome) is: intrusive unwanted thoughts!
i've always known im an empty head so to speak!
The problem came again or really became noticeable to me yet again in 2003.
Wool pulled over the eyes saw me afflicted with rotary thought yet again an adverse effect for turning up and working but a bad decision had been made on my part due to few good available choices on the path I had chosen...but today it appears somebody lay hidden seen or known by everybody else....but not by me as i was too busy  concentrating on Motherhood not somebody who stood by somebody else imfamously or famously. I was sadly too deep in debt with the costs of lone parenting to be bothered about another delinquent who just could get over another possible person sick with promiscuity and too ill with the sick and violating treatment of others and the inability to say no to their own damage worst of all whilst reminiscing on my name whilst seeing me, my life, my child’s life as something to speak of with hatred; condescension and the most degrading of shame! Had i moved beyond the events of primary school again! As today my life feels like constant intimidation of obsessed nosiness from queues at the chemist to home intruders and ongoing trespass of years gone by. Admittedly,  I moved from abuses without many people being told why but now it has been more than 30 years gone by and something has unsettled everything and everyone!
Why didn't “we” as society not set up effective filter programs: infant from home to nursery checked for possible parental/caregiver/guardian damage?
From: nursery to primary thorough checked for possible repair and training and treatment....and so on and so on right the way up through the system of education wouldn't society in general be irrevocably changed? Would their be less crime and suffering because so much behaviour and other problems will be detected earlier on? Wouldn't many of us be less targeted by the sensitive or bully in the class room coming back or resurfacing in our lives because suffering from what we did we laughed wrong at the wrong moment but then moved on only to find we are being dragged kicked and punched so to speak back to schools playgrounds? The nosey ones who went on to become the best spies forever poking around in the background of your life...what on earth would they feel like? But what does any of that if true amount too? 
Evidently, something very bad has gone on?
Sadly, there is little or nothing you can do if someone from your family or school went on to do something so cruel to someone or just in society in general....everyone on every side would be at a loss and full of the effects of damage from whatever was done!
But investigations haven't stopped around me. From night to day the presence is like the effects of no someone keeps on calling me name amongst them...we grew up as a family accused, if true, despite all we had been put through!
Just wanting to do ordinary just wouldn't do because the unwanted finds you!
Frim dashing detectives, doctirs and nurses, law enforcement's personnel...yes...yes....something else happened....oh 2006-2007.  A clairaudient voice used to shout at me  more in East London than anywhere else.....fawn....fawn....could i understand why? No...i moved on with my life....fawn your fawn at times....did i know i got here in 2014 and got on with my life......fawn...fawn until you know why....even sounding like “your fawn" at times!
But what do we with this life?
Try to get on with it night after night
As murderers remain useful to those filled with hate and spite
What chances do you have when coming from families which become legally mixed?
When the same things keep happening in an almost identical matter in tw0 separate locations?
Back in the day in large familes trying to survive a kid was given to a kid to help ease pressure so they could play together and look after each other.
Well, I suffered from being a very possessive child....abused....i didn't know those kids weren't mine! So much I had never understood, much remained unexplained whilst been battered essentially for coping with all your injuries. I didn't understand who these kids were or that they weren't mine until i became independent of what went on.
Cried all day like my life seems to be still crying today
^. i sit i go through this with what type or kind of thinking?
Have you ever asked your self especially when you all the decision you made led you into a complete and utter mess... how was your life supposed to turn out? 
Don't think i ever did until
 recently as my life became blighted by a lot of unwanted attention!
Is that a pointless question or a good question to ask yourself when trying to build a better life for yourself?
How much less would any of us have suffered if we were properly filtered for want of a better word, and not just heaped into a pile which deemed us all as delinquents setting the scene for ongoing addiction to revenge instead of adequate treatment for: self-respect, addiction to destruction of the self and others,  possible or “ likely” ADD, self-esteem, self-confidence, and the most important one... correct and accurate perception of ourselves, and other people, and perceived circumstances, and perceived challenges?
With what type of thinking was the abuses forced upon us not seen in wider society?
With what type or kind of thinkg was justice almost impossible to find or negoitate once found?
With what type of thinking are we creating? Living? Chosing? Negating? Ignoring? Or paying attention? Or paying attention but ignoring putting the eggs in socitey at the top of basket?
People with what?
Are doing what?
Natural Flowism
A Freedom of Beíng!