Though enjoying being in public places had been made uncomfortable
I remember being just fine until that helicopter began rising and my mind and head began spinning with messages like: your not staying
Shouldn't you be going?
Today when I remember I hear things sentences like: ...and I went and paid him - the make things impossible payments
Now, i am not stating any facts or laying any claim to such payments existing or such action of being true!
I just remember feeling instantly unhappy with and without fully consciously realising or properly processing feelings of feeling violated and attempts at public humiliation whilst internally terrorized in public and in private!
I have laughed
I know different laughs
Was so in pain
I laughed till others felt shame
Learnt from the years I was laughed at beyond just feeling humiliated and I still grew up to laugh when young too immature to realise the illness excessive laughter can be and the long lasting negative effects it can sustain on certain vulnerable citizens.
With beautiful white teeth smiles
On bended knee
Were they real?
I was so steeped in spiritualism at the time
Looking back it feels like they were hiding somebody
Theres me living trying to get to normal by writing and eventually sharing my personal initmate diaries for my own self-healing only to find the years when I was under the age of consent below the age of a child sexually abused all those years where being used to again abuse me for being loose!
Yes as an adult you have your responsibility to take and decisions to make
But I will write again
It takes years to wake up and become knowing and strong when abuse has been relentlessly maintained by abusers who cannot heal or run from what they have done
The stories they must be able tell
Still to this day has been the everyday get out
In my younger days it was where I thought I had dreamt up a freer life
Away from religious restrictions
It was where speakers spoke
And hippies often shared kisses
The park is where I would go heartbroken by exes and career choices and job loses frustrated by my own lack
Sit witless be approached by male stranger and end up experiencing chewing gum kisses
Left me feeling completely insulted and down graded nothing romantic
Each and every time
Unexpected liaisons I still hadn't learnt to avoid!
The lushness of nature shaped into a park
The perils of the abused as they try to learn how to find the level of love they need for their own hearts to heal!
Especially when so often Love is confused as sex lust and desire
As though as easy as looking at flowers to attain
In peace I remember this refrain
But a little voice says to me...you should have gone back to sleep until you could get up without remembering anything!
A Freedom of Being!