This may not be an easy read or blog to write especially given the mass grief being endured at this time during a global pandemic. However, I am grateful to be able to follow the leads in the title at this time. 

I will continually publish this blog unfinished because if I don't I lose the content. It has been possible to safe and hold content in draft.

Therefore this is created as another live view. Every few paragraphs published!

It is never an easy thing or a light decision to make to have to or chose to write about abuse in a family context. Within my work I refer to my experience and reference in family as related to my own child prior to pregnancy in my late teens and Motherhood from my twenties.

Its a hard to travel make no mistake it feels it is never over. You get away. Then you need to make hard decisions to stay away. Because whether you like it or not you were hurt, you going to inevitably hurt...and there is going to be alot of people inbetween you are hurt because they don't understand or know the full story and they also may not be well enough too!

I am hedging a guess that my energy may stick around on this page for awhile.

I made a point almost about 30 years ago now to go and get help for the sexual incest I had experienced. I was fearful for the effects of that will have on my ability as a parent. 

That kind of therapy enabled me to gain enough confidence to get ahead. Because prior to achieving a self-referral. My mind and nervous system was boggling out of control. 

I was living in Notting Hill in West London in the mid to late 1980's. I was ambitious and just beginning to find myself, as an individual whilst also negotiating Mothethood which I absolutely loved.

After I had worked through sessions of rape crisis group therapy. For me I though it was so good and so informative. I literally felt I could take on the world, in my personal world. I felt I could our pathway ahead much more clearly. Which was true only for a certain amount of time.

But in hindsight there was alot I didn't see or take into consideration. Simply because I was too young, trusting, and incredibly niave as a result.

During sessions with the group I met other survivors. Heard stories of women and men who couldn't ever escape or get away from the families they were raped not only as a child by males in the families who still continued to hold onto their lives in a need to continue to rape. The rapists mind couldn't not change which may mean brain care and also the area of other disorders mentally/personality were prolonging suffering and inhibiting the ability to get effective help and support for the long term.

The effects of my early life on me as an individual and as a Mother has never stop having some kind effect on our lives ever!

It has continued to dominate me everyday which it was at times just easy to plunge constantly so I could get out of the home, try and earn somekind of money, and try and have some fun and date. 

I manage to create and have some happiness which I am so grateful for. 

It is not that I am not aware that life is challenging generally for everybody. So many other people are facing worse than what I have ever known. I learnt that in Rape Crisis Group Session that instills instant Compaasion and Gratitude. 

I write as a self-portrait artist refering always to myself and my own experience and abuse in a family context. I choose to use myself and my life as an example and basis for my own healing and research, and I hope and pray that my life experience what I have learnt and am yet to learn can inspire the life journey of others.

So whilst my writings may come across as me-me or she is only thinking about herself. Yes! I am! That is what this Self-Potrait Artist does! Not to be Selfish but to be open and strong enough to show you are also weak enough to admit you are challenged, are being challenged, and are still weak enough to be strong enough to overcome!

Living in a Sun room I have no complaints. Except I wish I could pick it up and take it all to some other place.

Where?

Somewhere where I do not hear what sounds like a timely siren. 

Is that referring to those who carry large boom boxes in sports bags?

Recently, I sat pouring over old photos of my younger days when I was so in awe of life a timing spanning 1980 and the ninties. I was seaech myself to find where the emotional connection was. Where has I placed my emotional connectors?

For too long I have not been a get up and get fully dressed and be ready to start the day type of person at all. Though I never wanted to be the kind of survivor which a stalker could orientate. That is exactly it feels like has occurred! The emphasis being on the "feels like" that is not truth but it does burgen on a part of my reality!

So where were my emotional connectors or where did I derive or emerge in emotional connection?

I was probably the closet child to my Mother at one time. I spent a lot of time away from school sitting by my late Mothers side as she sewed what seemed like a neighbourhood and church community full of clothes designs. She never received enough credit for her creative brilliance though I did at least try to tell as much. As I research my past with the Intention of healing myself in the present. I am now so grateful ti  realise and remember the years and copius hours I sat beside my late Mother as child as she talked endlessly about all the years of her own abuse. She had lived through an absolute hell words can explain. Little did I know her hell and the things she said was like a premonition for my own life.

...and again I am just taking on my own life as an individual. I am fully aware of the wider affects. But there is no intention to be attacking as there is nothing to be gained in it for me. I have committed yet again to another level of being free from who or what has bound my life. 

Searching myself for the emotional connections within myself is how I do it. 

Especially, admist receiving noise as patterns of pestering noise nusiannces and in general negoitating abuses in others individuals as something to overcome!

Now that just didn't make a whole lot of sense.

Sitting by my Late Mothers side or being in the same room as her playing with thread bobbins during hour upon hour of creative production is a memory that fast forward from late 1960's to 2020 has long caused me conflict which I often forget is mangled with my own now creative ambitions and many failures!

Many failures to even get started or to complete a task or tasks started. That is coupled with brain related care mostly.

Sometimes going through the same or similar abuses as someone else can lead to people forming a strong bond. But not always in my life experience it has led to all out clashes...leaving me feeling its much better for me to negotiate myself away from those still the throughs of abuse, and as I have experienced other issues such as being unable to let go. Gulliable to an abusers persuit not able to not respond to bribery or excessive stalker style needs which are not about love. They may not even be about attacking a person or sexual desire. But they're approach, wish, or demand is very emotionally damaging and constantly emotionally abusive!